Bill’s Bad Breakup

Editor’s Note: Holy shit, he’s writing again! Yes, I know, I know. And it’s about sports! Huzzah. Now shut up and read.

So, Bill Belichick is upset at Wes Welker.

The hit, as anyone with functioning eyeballs can clearly see, wasn’t illegal. It wasn’t dirty, and it wasn’t something defensive backs playing the Broncos all year haven’t seen dozens of times.

You know what Bill’s problem is? Wes Welker left him, and the team, found someone better and is moving on (to the Super Bowl) while Bill and Tom are sitting at home, on the couch, eating Chunky Monkey and crying while watching Rudy on VHS.

It’s a bad, public breakup, folks, and anyone who says otherwise isn’t paying attention.

First thing’s first: Wes Welker is generously listed as 5’8” tall and 185 pounds. That is (give or take a few pounds) exactly how big I am. Am I a professional athlete? Heck no, but I’m also not a dump truck. Aqib Talib, on the other hand, is a much more menacing 6’1” tall and somewhere between 200 and 215 pounds. Plus, you know, he’s a defensive back, and his job is to hit people.

This is me, in a football uniform. Swoon, ladies!

This is me, in a football uniform. Swoon, ladies!

Welker’s job is to run fast and catch footballs, and more recently look awesome while his legs are being eaten by alligators. A stalwart tackler he is not.

Secondly, Welker is the one who bounces off Talib during the play. Talib isn’t rocked off his feet like Vernon Davis was when Cam Chancellor decided to (again, legally) rearrange his vertebrae like a Jenga puzzle. Welker falls to the turf just like Talib did. Plus, Talib flinches when he sees Welker coming, so I would hesitate to even call it a hit on a “defenseless player,” something bandied about by the talking heads all day today.

Not those talking heads, smart ass.

Not those talking heads, smart ass.

Belichick is simply upset that A) Welker told him to take his paltry contract offer and shove it, and B) the Patriots had one competent DB to cover a half-dozen talented pass catchers and he had the bad luck to take a solid hit during a playoff football game and injure himself. It happens, Bill. Don’t be angry. Grow from the experience and move on, because I can guarantee Wes isn’t looking fondly at the frozen hills of Massachusetts right now, longing for the days where he labored under your iron grip. He’s practicing for the biggest game of his life, playing with the Greatest Quarterback in History, and he couldn’t care less about what you think of his playing style.

All this said, I do enjoy watching Bill Belichick drown in his own hypocrisy (Spygate) by calling out another team for “cheating” or “dirty(SPY) play(GATE!)”, but even from a purely objective standpoint the only conclusion to be reached on this topic is that he’s a whiny, sore loser who hasn’t won a Super Bowl since the NFL caught him redhanded being a whiny, sore cheating winner.

Suck it, Belichick. Suck it, Brady, and GO BRONCOS.

All hail our LORD and SAVIOR, forever may he throw. For he is the LIGHT in the WORLD who saved us all from the Evil One who is called BRADY.

All hail our LORD and SAVIOR, forever may he throw. For he is the LIGHT in the WORLD who saved us all from the Evil One who is called BRADY.

__________

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