Witty Titty – March 1, 2013

Happy March, everybody!

FIRST PITCH

So McDonald’s is getting rid of some menu items we all may know and love. Why is this a big story, you ask? Personally, the Chicken Selects (when fresh) are the best fast food chicken fingers money can buy.

Yes, this actually exists.

SECOND PITCH

In other news, everyone’s favorite herpes dumpster Paris Hilton used her “boyfriend’s” heinous skiing injury as yet another opportunity to present herself as a sexual object for lower life forms.

At least he’s giving the thumbs up, right? Shame he actually meant “please kill me now, I’m ready to go to the light.”

Don’t feel too sorry for the poor schlub, though, because if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s to never pity a grown man named River.

Except maybe this one, whose actual name was River Jude Bottom. Feel free to pity him all you’d like.

THIRD PITCH

Richard Simmons made the news this week for the first time since 1986, when he absolutely lost his mind on the set of Access Hollywood, the favorite vapid entertainment show of obese single mothers in the Cleveland area.

Check out the video here.

FOURTH PITCH

Because we all love porn-related news, the now ex-Miss Teen Delaware (who resigned her weighty post after rumors surfaced that she’d starred in an amateur porn video) has been offered a replacement job by Youporn, according to TMZ.

While you may have surrendered your tiara for Miss Teen USA, we’d like to keep that pretty head of yours topped with ours, and name you Miss Youporn ! We’d like to offer you a compensation package of over $250,000 this year to go across the world and promote our site. We believe your incredible beauty and personality coupled with our internet traffic is a “win win” for both of us.

– Braden Burns, Youporn.com

I’m all for new faces in the business, especially disgraced former celebrities. Wouldn’t you agree? $250,000 is a nice chunk of change for a promo gig, is all I’m sayin’.

Even the Donald approves. Way to go, Melissa!

LAST PITCH

Finally, in more nudity-related news, the Daily Mail (Cracked’s favorite British phony news site) reports a new internet video fad following in the heels of My Drunk Kitchen, Epic Meal Time and Heavy Metal Vegan Cooking:

Naked Vegan Cooking! (Link NSFW, of course, and probably not safe for your eyes. There be old dudes!)

This is a fan-submitted video…from Seattle. Damn hippies.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK

THE GOODS

Because it’s important, when working out, to wear the proper footwear. Safety first, ladies!

https://twitter.com/RosieRoff/status/307519177571328001

A situation where photo composition is important. Left: Sexy lingerie. Right: Help me, I’m about to be sodomized by Big Bird in a gimp suit.

TURN OFF THE DAMN FLASH AND TURN THE LIGHTS ON IN THE ROOM, FOR GOD’S SAKE!

How America’s housewives deal with depression. (Not pictured: 800mg Xanax)

https://twitter.com/EllieGonsalves/status/307470117304938498

This photo is a warning about the Philippines. That may or may not be a woman.

One for the ladies: You’ll notice he’s contemplative and hairy, so let out your furry fetishes, girls.

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