#WittyTitty February 22, 2013

Happy Friday, Yarders! (Yeah, I’ve given my readers their own fanclub name, like Ke$ha’s “animals.” If you don’t like it, suggest a new one in the comments!)

Let’s roll, shall we?

FIRST PITCH

Tweet of the week:

How amazing is that? The HuffPost sometimes adds a little wit to their tweets, but I just had to guffaw at that one. Besides, Vanessa can definitely make up for it with Spring Breakers, which is becoming more and more exciting as we approach its March 22 release date.

Bieber’s ex in this movie, you guys. It’s like Disney porn, but real. Plus, James Franco as a badass drug dealer, which is never not hilarious.

SECOND PITCH

The biggest tech news this week was Sony’s announcement of the Playstation 4. That’s right, Sony’s now completely given up on creatively naming next-generation gaming consoles, instead deciding to stick with the brand they’ve used for the last 15 years. How does that generally work out?

Suffice it to say the announcement was all flash and no real substance.

*sigh* You coulda been a contender!

THIRD PITCH

So, you know how little kids, much like pets and other living thinking creatures who can’t eloquently voice their wants and desires, put really random crap in their mouths? Don’t lie, you ate paste as a kid.

Some of you probably ate crystal meth, too, but we won’t judge.

Apparently, the “eating of non-food materials” is a medical condition called pica. This is a thing? Seriously? You can’t just say “hey, stupid, don’t eat the wall?”

A six-year-old in England (Of course it’s England) needed a brand new $40,000 bedroom because he kept eating the floor, the walls, his sheets, and evidently his mother’s ability to parent responsibly. Good thing the English people are goofy and gave her all the money she needed to install a closed-circuit TV system for 24-hour monitoring of the kid, the better to prepare him for growing up in a nanny state. The poor kid “suffers from pica.”

No, he suffers from an idiot parent. That’s like saying Honey Boo Boo “suffers from childhood obesity and narcissism.”

Yeah, she should be her own medical condition. Ignorant redneckis Jabba-assium.

FOURTH PITCH

The best news of the week! You all know I hate Guy Fieri. Hate him with the flaming passion of a thousand thousand imploding suns.

How could you not? He’s like a mad scientist’s version of a reanimated, hot sauce-slinging douchenozzle.

Imagine my delight, then, when I came across the news that some enterprising young web entrepreneur had registered a domain name exactly the same as Guy’s new restarurant, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar.

Highlights include the PANAMANIA! for $24.50:

A deep-fried snake with a printed-out picture of David Lee Roth stapled to it and a sparkler sticking out of each eye. Served with a side of Bud Light you have to wring out of a Hawaiian shirt.

Slate called the person responsible a “hero,” and I’m inclined to agree.

UPDATE! Apparently this guy’s no hero after all, and is a miserable joke-stealing asshat.

LAST PITCH

As a member in the years-long struggle against hipsters and all they stand for, I’m always looking for new ways to destroy them.

How I see myself as the “Hipsterslayer.”

So this infographic created by BitRebels is fantastic, because the best place to attack your enemy is their purse, or wallet, or gender non-specific vintage faux fur messenger bag that like, totally belonged to the lead singer of that band I love that never recorded a single album.

TWEETS OF THE WEEK

THE GOODS

https://twitter.com/XOJasmineSymone/status/304995717209010176

Not sure if this is actually a woman, not gonna lie.

https://twitter.com/CassandraMarieW/status/304987391972741121

Help! We’re Deschanel clones who escaped the tanks, and you’re our only hope! Somehow we’re also Asian! OH, THE HUMANITY!

https://twitter.com/UpdatedHotties/status/304975177891078146

Excuse me, miss? You may want to see a doctor, it appears you’ve either been in a terrible cross-dimensional blending accident or are a victim of terrible Photoshopping.

Reminder: “sexy” and “help me, I’m being kidnapped into the sex trade” are very close together, but not the same.

Anyone else thinking the Lucky Charms leprechaun needs to work on his aim?

(Editor’s Note: It’s becoming increasingly apparent to me while searching Twitter for these photos that there are a lot of skeezy, pervy, disgusting people on Twitter, and there’s a lot more straight up porn than most people realize. ‘Murica!)

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