Witty Titty – February 15, 2013

(Feature photo courtesy of Hot Girls of the Day)

Happy Witty Titty Friday, readers! Hope your Valentine’s Day was filled with joy, candy, sex, booze and bad choices. Mine wasn’t, but hey; the life of a professional bullshit critic never rests, even for love. As we said last week, Witty Titty is a lighter, more easily digestible fare than our usual articles. Think of it as the popcorn of pop culture. Satisfying, but leaves you wanting more.

FIRST PITCH

So, somebody decided to convince Madonna to join Instagram, and the results are as creepily arousing as you might expect.

We’re sure that’s not a virgin blood martini, right?

It’s a traditional selfie, but then you realize it’s your GRANDMA’S BOOBS. Excuse us while we go dry heave.

See more of Madonna’s Instagram here, if you’re not interested in having sex ever again.

SECOND PITCH

A St. Louis OB-GYN is in hot water after whining about a terrible patient of hers on Facebook.

So I have a patient who has chosen to either no-show or be late (sometimes hours) for all of her prenatal visits, ultrasounds and NSTs. She is now 3 hours late for her induction. May I show up late to her delivery?

Understandably, bitches be trippin’ over the supposed “breach of patient privacy,” but seriously? Patients are late. Big whoop. It’s not like there’s any personally identifying information, so we at Three Yards (stalwart defenders of Internet privacy), declare no violation.

THIRD PITCH

There’s a ball-bustingly new social media sharing app sweeping the nation, called Vine, and it’s taking Twitter by storm. Except, of course, that it’s almost entirely porn.

Granted, it’s limited to six-second clips, which are more like GIFs than anything else, but hey; if there’s any market that will find new and inventive ways to reach its customers, it’s grainy nudity.

This is all you’re going to get. This is a fucking family site.

FOURTH PITCH

It’s that time of year again: love is in the air, gifts flow like a babbling brook, and the weather is finally starting to ease up. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

The big difference this year, though? SI has opened its welcoming arms to female readers, by offering some tips on how to be a standup, independent woman in today’s equitable society.

Just kidding! It’s awful. They are offering tips on how to look like their models, and apparently it’s as easy as achieving “tousled, beachy hair.”

That’s right! You too could look like this, ladies, if only you’d get off your ass and do something about it. Seems legit.

LAST PITCH

In the biggest news this morning, in Soviet Russia, their biggest worry shouldn’t be polar bears, or the Chinese, or even a crippling vodka shortage.

They should fear fiery death from space.

Yup, a meteor broke up over Chelyabinsk, 1500 kilometers east of Moscow, and the sonic boom generated by its passing exploded windows and generally fucked everything up. It didn’t actually hit Earth, mind you, but it was a pretty damned close shave.

Time to call in the cavalry, folks.

Now, Your Meme of the Week:

Actual Sexual Advice Girl!

Never once.

But…when you do that with your boobs, it’s different!

THE GOODS

[tweet https://twitter.com/ZoeJayJay/status/302392429250768896]

I’m just curious as to when she plans on getting that spinal deformity corrected.

[tweet https://twitter.com/Sexercisepaula/status/302457305910345728]

Is she trying to be sexy or confused? And the lingerie doesn’t match! Shame!

[tweet https://twitter.com/ChloeLynnF/status/302430569197891584]

Four words: Fix. The. Contrast. Amateur.

[tweet https://twitter.com/Badwifeymilf/status/302351283107549184]

There’s only one reason women post pics of themselves with the heads cut off, and if you don’t know it, get the hell off our Internet.

[tweet https://twitter.com/jaimeedmondson/status/299953646005792769]

Hah! Gotcha, assholes.

 

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