#SOTU: “Why Isn't New Girl On?”

(Featured image courtesy of Business Insider)

No, I didn’t watch the State of the Union address last night.

Yes, that technically makes me a bad journalist. Yes, that technically makes me a bad American. No, I don’t care what you think.

I got my coverage for the #SOTU from the Internet, like everyone else who was pissed there was no fresh New Girl episode.

Plus, it’s a divisive president, with an almost violently party-centric legislature, and I’ve been alive long enough to know how these things go. President says something his party likes, they stand and cheer, and the minority party glares and harrumphs and acts like their mother has just been raped. President says something everyone likes, and everyone stands and cheers, and the President is, for a moment, Lady Gaga in a stadium of gender-confused 15-year-olds high on Ecstasy.

Yes, this picture exists, and it was on the first page of results.

So, the specifics of the whole deal aren’t necessarily that important. The AP did its job and fact-checked the whole thing, and of course there were some errors, as there always are in political pomp and circumstance. Job growth was overstated, cars aren’t as futuristically fuel-efficient as he said, and the jury’s still out on whether or not the Affordable Care Act has actually reduced the amount of money spent on health care in America.

But you’re not here to read smart, informed political discourse, right? Good, because you’re not going to get it. I’m a middle-class white American heterosexual college student, and unless things drastically change in this country, my aggressively moderate politics can rest assured they won’t be impugned upon anytime soon.

The real reason you’re here, true believers, is for this site to be funny. So, I apologize for you having to slog through all that.

The “designated survivor,” or the one member in the line of Presidential succession they decided should be absent should, say, a wild Ukrainian with a jock-strap full of plutonium decide to atomically skull-plow American democracy, was the Secretary of Energy? Steven Chu?

No, not this guy. Isn’t casual racism fun?

So, if everyone attending the SOTU died, the Secretary of Energy would be in charge. He’s the twelfth guy on the list! Wouldn’t a big-ticket event like this be something he should attend, and the Vice President should skip? It’s not like the VP actually does anything anyway, and I just have this image of Biden being the mirror in front of which Obama practiced his speech, so it’s not like he didn’t hear it already.

These speak for themselves, I’d imagine. My biggest issue with the whole thing is this:

I hate to agree with Carson Daly, but he’s 100% right. The manhunt for a guy who’s going Falling Down on LA climaxes in a standoff in a cabin in the woods with the LAPD, and nothing is shown on any news channel?

Of course, the same should be said for me. I should have at least watched it. Khloe Kardashian did.

Please excuse me while I go kill myself.

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