Boobs. Boobs EVERYWHERE! Also, Music.

(Feature image courtesy of Oh No They Didn’t!)

So, for the first time in my life, I watched the Grammys. More out of boredom between waiting for new Family Guy and The Walking Dead than any real interest, but it ended up actually being pretty damned entertaining. Twitter  was the place to be, and I’m sure the Oscars will be a grand occasion as well.

Where to begin, though?

There was the “wardrobe memo,” which caused a bunch of hoopla about the dress code, including these gems:

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under-curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic…the genital region is[to be] adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.

To which, of course, most of the attendees said HA!


And yeah, a bunch of the good tweets I saw came from BuzzFeed, so for that I apologize. In any case, as usual, fashion kind of took over the ceremonies when I, a poor, red-blooded American male, saw this:

There truly are no words.

Johnny Maydepp (don’t tell me they’re not the same person) is one lucky man, I’ll tell you that. What, don’t believe me?

Pick them apart. I DARE YOU.

Boobs aside, the performances were by-and-large fantastic. As befits a music award ceremony, the artists were front and center, but I’d say my favorite (and by far the most entertaining) was Jack White’s, where he showed Mumford and the Lumineers how to do hipster-rock chic.

Rocking out first with Ruby Amanfu on “Love Interruption,” ol’ Jacky then moved from his all-girl band (complete with Adele look-alike on the stand-up bass) to an all-male ensemble for “Freedom at 21,” which basically melted my face off. The effer can play some guitar.

That, of course, overshadowed the musical abomination that was the “Bob Marley tribute,” which caused my girlfriend and I to wonder why they’d bother with a tribute for a man who died thirty freakin’ years ago. If that wasn’t bad enough, the performance started with Bruno Mars:

Hah! Just kidding. But seriously, you couldn’t tell them apart. Bruno could be a 13-year-old Filipino girl, for all we know.

And then Sting showed up! Wow! Sting! Old white British guy is a perfect choice for a Marley tribute, right? I don’t care if there’s some tenuous connection between Mars’ “Locked out of Heaven” and The Police, and then The Police and Bob Marley. Audiences shouldn’t have to play “Six Degrees of Separation” during a tribute to a dead artist to figure out what is going on.

Had to.

They didn’t even play a Bob Marley song until Rihanna came on stage and almost nip-slipped her way into Grammy infamy. Don’t get me wrong, I dig me some Sting, but wouldn’t you think during a “tribute” performance, the majority of the songs actually performed would be from the person you’re honoring? Perhaps I finally have gone off the edge of sanity and CBS knows better than the general public about what is quality television.

No, that can’t be it.

Carrie Underwood, though. Mhm, I do enjoy me some Underwood. Glad she won for Best Country Solo Performance for “Blown Away,” which is an absolutely incredible song. So, when she came onstage to perform, and the first few bars of it started playing, I was thrilled. I did wonder, though, why she wasn’t walking around the stage and, you know, performing. A singing torso and arms is a little off-putting, even for the most seasoned zombiphile.

I’ll let the incomparable Neil Patrick Harris caption this one for me.

So this weird projection thing displayed various effects and such on her dress, and thus required her to stand in one place for the entire set, and it was very jarring. My sister actually met Carrie in Nashville, and she was apparently incredibly rude, but I don’t honestly care, she’s a hell of a performer.

There was also a star-studded actual tribute to a guy from The Band, which is one of those groups (to my generation, anyway) that has a song you know but have no idea who the artist is. They performed “The Weight,” which I actually did have to look up, because the only lyrics I know are “Take a load off Fannie/Take a load for free,” so feel free to express your musical outrage. However, during the “let’s show photos of every person even remotely related to music who died in the last year” section, the biggest and loudest crowd response came during Beastie Boy Adam Yauch’s display.

That’s right, the guy from the Beastie Boys got a louder ovation than Robin Gibb (Bee Gees), Davy Jones (The Monkees), Earl Scruggs, Ravi Shankar (who is Norah Jones’ dad? Who knew?) and Donna Summer. These are dark times, indeed.

Also, Elton John managed to wrangle the Sandy Hook victims into the Band tribute, with one sentence prior to beginning the song. Real classy, Sir Elton.

The real stars of any awards show, though, are the GIFs, because the Internet is a terrible, unforgiving place where even the slightest screen-captured mistake is turned into hilarity that lives on ad infinitum. However, you’ll have to read a few more funny tweets first:

So, GIFs!

Guys, like, Taylor really likes to like, dance and stuff, guys. For real.

And then, the Man arrived, and said approximately six words.

Yes, that is, in fact, a pimp cane. Who else could go on national television with a pimp cane, wearing a hoodie, and be that badass?

And, because I promised you  boob GIFs on Facebook, here you go.

Yes, I know they aren’t from the actual Grammys, but are you really gonna complain?

Mumford and Sons also won Album of the Year, but who really cares about that, anyway?


3 responses to “Boobs. Boobs EVERYWHERE! Also, Music.

  1. Pingback: Anne Hathaway’s Nipples! Also, The Oscars. | Three Yards·

  2. Pingback: Three Yards: The Oscars!·

  3. Pingback: Oscars 2013: Anne Hathaway’s Nipples | Zachary Martin·

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