SpokesChick Says: WTF, Tom Cruise?

(Editor’s Note: Danielle Gilman, Three Yards’ official SpokesChick, will be providing weekly commentary on entertainment news and pop culture from a unique point of view. Like it, hate it, or GOTTA HAVE IT? Let us know in the comments below!)

Tom and Katie are getting divorced? TRUE. After 5 years of marriage, the couple is splitting for unknown reasons but mostly because it is what’s best for Suri. Of course! Suri has such a hard life being the daughter of millionaire celebrities and living a life of luxury so let’s make it better by having splitting up mommy and daddy so she can be doubly spoiled. Could it be that Katie doesn’t like the Scientology, or that Tom is upset Katie is taller than him? The world will never know, well at least for now. Tom is shooting in Iceland right now in a movie called “Oblivion” where he has been spotted with a woman who is not Katie. Katie is still sporting her wedding ring because the divorce papers are not finalized.

She’s actually trying to plot a way to kill him and escape the compound.

Are the Kardashians the Addams family? Holy shit, they look fucking scary! They had a cemetery in their backyard in the Addams family, right? Maybe the Kardashians have one too and that’s where O.J.’s wife is buried.. too much? Well Khloe is Wednesday and Mason can be the hand they have running around. Mason’s middle name is Dash, we he needs to dash right the hell out of that family if he knows what’s good for him.

Yes, we realize Khloe isn’t as sexy as Christina Ricci. Deal.

Adele is pregnant? TRUE. I guess this just proves you should never assume because my take on her was that she had been so emotionally abused that she had no men in her life; unless the baby’s father left her single and pregnant which would explain her depressing lyrics. Negative, though, the baby daddy is 15 years older than her and apparently he co-founded a water bottle company in the U.K. Shit, I am about to bottle some water and make millions too. They met last summer, so wow they moved quick since they aren’t married. If she didn’t put herself out there so much maybe she wouldn’t have all these issues. Just kidding, I really do admire her singing and wish there were more artists with her talent. Hopefully her children will be as talented as she is and won’t have any problem sleeping, with being sung to every night. I wonder if her songs will change like Alanis Morissette’s did, they used to be all bitch-like (which I loved) and then transformed into these happy songs I had no interest in listening to. Well regardless, congratulations to the happy couple!

How such a beautiful, angelic voice can come out of that…God’s got a great sense of humor.

Magic Mike: self-explanatory, put that movie in 3D YES PLEASE. I don’t need to say much more. Myself and thousands of other women will be attending this movie to drool all over ourselves and watch Channing Tatum and these other hot men strip tease and then go home and fantasize about them while sleeping with our significant others. I just had an orgasm thinking about it.

Joking.

OK, no I wasn’t.

Miley Cyrus – I would kill for her fucking body, shes 19 and while she’s a star and probably gets tons of workouts and personal chef’s and whatever else money can buy to make her look like this, I think she looks fabu-fucking-lous. Ladies, I Googled her workouts and she does Pilates to look amazing like this, guess I know what all my money is going towards. If I looked like this I would already be famous or at least way hotter. Thank you to celebs everywhere who look like this for encouraging me to live a lifestyle that may not be so safe to look good! (Sarcasm.)

Yes, her daddy was a country singer in the late 80’s. It’s the Steven Tyler Effect.

Michael Sokolski, the inventor of the Scantron, died two weeks ago. Thank you for making it impossible to correctly fill in the little bubble without going out of the edges or not using a number 2 pencil. I wonder how many MCAS (Massachusetts Testing System) and SAT tests were not accurate due to people not filling in the bubble properly. Pencils down. R.I.P man.

Now you’ll have SAT nightmares. You’re welcome.

Snoop Dogg is in Norway this week to perform but he got caught with weed at the airport! I mean, what do you expect! Anyway, he was slammed with a fine of a whopping $1,980 for the eight grams of weed he had on him. He paid the fine and went right along with his business, I wonder if they confiscated it? Half of the cops are just dirty anyway and probably laughed and went and smoked it in the back room.


No, officer, I’m actually an Italian chef. It’s oregano, see?

Stars Getting Sued: Celine Dion is getting sued by her employees for apparently not providing overtime payment. I mean, if stupid retail stores and fast food chains can pay minimum wage for overtime, I’m pretty sure a celebrity can dish out some cash. Come on Celine, you are being sued for all the overtime wages never given! Apparently her heart does not go on and on. Oh I crack myself up.

 

Take a listen to Loomis & The Lust’s song titled Bright Red Chords:

Sound familiar? Perhaps Domino by Jessie J? Why yes! Loomis and Co. are suing the pants off of her for stealing their song without permission. Listen to the first ten seconds.

While Jessie J has made millions off her album with that hit song, Loomis & The Lust who I have never even heard of….. I just proved my point. Good friggin’ luck Jessie, just because you can’t come up with your own shit doesn’t mean you can steal others’.

Hillary Duff looks fucking fantastic after giving birth to her son! She is happily married and has a great little family going on! Clearly Jessica Simpson needs to take note here because she looks like a fat ball of blub. Sorry Jess, you used to look good but now you just aren’t anything special, at least before people knew you were stupid but you were pretty so no one cared; now, you’re a waste of space. Go to the gym or get some liposuction dammit, or actually better, please enroll in school, they don’t teach you common sense but maybe you could do something else with your life because I hear no new songs and your acting just sucks.


Exhibit A: What to do post-pregnancy.


Exhibit B: Not so much.

My Mirror Pic Fail goes to this winner right here! Oh man, I can’t even believe this one for two reasons. One being that you think you look good and two being that you let people SEE this, you continued to send this to someone who sent it to someone else and now the whole world sees your fat hairy ass. Well done bud, well done.

I'm too sexy for my towel

Misspelled Word Fail for the week goes to…. someone who clearly didn’t go to school! Nowadays people really should have to fill out some sort of IQ test before they start a job. Well we certainly know you are not the next Einstein, but really? REALLY?


In case you missed it, it’s spelled “SCHOOL.”

 

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