No More Star Wars!

by Eve Guevara


If you knew me at all, you’d know I am a huge Star Wars fan. By huge, I mean I had Star Wars music in my wedding, and took a bridal portrait with a Darth Vader mask.



That being said, the title of this post will be surprising to many of you. Allow me to explain myself, dear reader:


OK, call me a purist, but I think releasing all six movies to see in 3D in theaters is stupid. I thought about going to see it, but then I really thought about going to pay ooscoobs [Editor’s Note: this is an actual term, used in WHOCARESIT’SANAWESOMEWORD]  of money to see a set of movies, which I do have at home, by the way, that are “improved” by making you cross-eyed and giving you a horrendous headache.

This is shameful.

This is the second time these movies have been in theaters that I remember, and I’m only 26. Yes, they are amazing and great and wonderful, but once the DVD expanded edition came out, that really should have been it! George Lucas is even quoted as saying: “There will only be one [version of the films]. And it won’t be what I would call the “rough cut”, it’ll be the “final cut.”[1]The argument could be made that this is a way of introducing a new generation of fans to the movies. Yeah, but see, that’s the thing about Star Wars; there are already fans that cut across generations, income levels, race, religion, political philosophy, cat people, dog people, spider people…

This isn’t about broadening the fan base. This is about using a cheap gimmick to exploit a loyal fan base for more money. Check out this infographic from our friends at Laughing Squid:

Srsly. This is *before* Star Wars: The Old Republic (MMORPG) and the 3D re-releases.


I am also peeved that someone is messing with my Star Wars. I refuse to see the “prequels” on principle, but someone over there at Lucasfilm is doing things to my original Star Wars, dastardly things I tell you!


Lord Vader is not pleased.


I was an archaeology/history/artifact preservation major. I know that you have to do restorations of movies, and while you’re at it, go ahead and put in those deleted scenes that were taken out because they made the movie too long. That’s cool.

Star Wars was not originally filmed in 3D, which makes the conversion from regular to 3D a pain in the ass. Filming in 3D to begin with is ruinously expensive, which is why so many people don’t do it. So to make the original movies 3D, they have to… well, here, just read this:


Here’s the gist of it: graphic artists separate shots out into layers of depth, which can number anywhere from two layers for shots with simple blocking to eight for shots with more complex compositions. Then, the objects in each layer are carefully traced, creating a topographical map of the scene. Here, the computer steps in, simulating the second camera’s perspective by generating another, slightly offset image. The images in the layers closest to the viewer are offset the most, creating the illusion of things popping off the screen, while the background is only offset slightly.[3]


So the movie is going to be retouched, and graphics artists are going to be playing around with depth perception and stuff, and the movies are pretty dark in tone anyway and having to wear those glasses are going to make it even dimmer and harder to see, but the thing that really irks me that they’re MESSING WITH MY STAR WARS, man!


Fuck you, Yoda.

[1] Magid, Ron (February 1997). “An Expanded Universe”. American Society of Cinematographers. pp. 4. Retrieved 2009-08-24.



2 responses to “No More Star Wars!

  1. You know I love you, Miss Eve, but listen up, podwan, for as old as Yoda I am. I was there at the beggining, in 1977. The 3-D effects are well worth the price. Yes, Lucasfilm is making big bucks, but they employ lots of talented, creative folks (such as yourself), and they are putting out a good product. In closing, shut up and go see it 🙂

    • …in order to assure we’re talking about the same thing: the first Star Wars movie to be released in 3D was Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, first released in 1999.

      We were all alive for that release, and while we loved it because it was new, upon further inspection we realized that (apparently) George Lucas is a HUGE RACIST. (See Gungans and Trade Federation).

      I fully expect the 3D releases of Eps. 1-3 to be largely disappointing (plus, 3D rendering is a LOT easier on the newer movies, as they were digitally filmed, and have more completely CGI-rendered scenes than any movies EVER), so the plan to release the original three movies in 3D will be scrapped before Lucas can shit on any more of our dreams.

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