Incomprehensible! NFL Kickoff, Week 1 (Part 2)


So, just now I learned a valuable lesson about blogging: always have a backup, especially when you’re using an Internet browser that was last packaged with AOL 5.0 because your alternative (Internet Explorer 6.0) is widely considered to be “the most vulnerable and dangerous piece of software in existence” by CNET.

Needless to say, Netscape swallowed the entire post except for the tags, so here I am after three and a half hours of work having to re-do the entire thing. Oh well, nothing worth having is easy, right?

So where were we, oh, yes, that’s right, Part 2 of Yet To Be Named Weekly Football Column: The Big Three of Week 1.

  1. Since when does Peyton Manning play defense?

“I knew I shouldn’t have taken all those

practice reps at nose guard.” – The Manning Face

Manning and his nagging neck sat out Week 1 at Houston, he didn’t even travel with the team, and the Colts were shellacked 34-7. Granted, most expected a serious offensive dropoff without Manning of the Golden Arm at the helm, but last I checked, he didn’t play safety or linebacker. The defense completely jumped the shark in this game, even though Manning’s replacement, 167-year-old Methusaleh Collins, played admirably well; Collins was 16 of 31 for 197 yards with one TD and no interceptions, but his two first quarter fumbles put the Texans up 17-0 before the first quarter ended. This, obviously, relegated the Colts’ running attack to nil, forcing a quarterback who first started playing in leather helmets to try and mount a comeback through the air.

Even though Collins played semi-decently after his fumbles, the defense continued to allow Houston players to run roughshod over, around, through, and under them like they were a greased-up deaf guy.

Answer: Whatever is wrong with the Colts, it needs to be fixed soon, unless team management decides to give up on the season entirely for Manning to rest his neck.

  1. Didn’t the Steelers own the Ravens?

The defending AFC champions came into Baltimore fresh off a playoff run where they booted their division rivals with an incredible second-half comeback that erased a 21-7 halftime deficit.

This time, they committed seven turnovers and lost, 35-7. Yeah, that’s right, they had as many turnovers as points; this is not a system conducive to winning in the 6-and-7-year-old division of Pee Wee football, let alone the NFL.

Pittsburgh’s Ben Roethlisberger was also sacked four times, fumbling twice.

This was not the kind of assault Roethlisberger

fantasized about during the summer.

Granted, the Ravens beat the Steelers once last year, and had them on the ropes in the playoffs, but their games are usually close. This was embarrassing. Not to mention, in the past 51 games, the vaunted Steelers run defense has allowed only two 100-yard rushing performances. Both of them belong to Ray Rice, who finished the game with 107 yards on 19 carries with a touchdown. In fact, Rice outgained the entire Pittsburgh offense over the course of the first half.

Don’t worry, Steelers. You still get to play the

Bengals and Browns twice each. Buck up.

So what does this mean for the AFC North, even after just one game?

Answer: It’s a changing of the guard; Pittsburgh is an aging team on defense and Baltimore has nowhere to go but up.

This is Terrell Suggs’ polite way of saying “Move, woman. Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.”

  1. Exactly how overrated is Tony Romo?

“Look guys, I told you I’m a real NFL quarterback! See, I’ve got the uniform and everything!”

The Cowboys – Jets contest came down to a field goal, true, but it was set up by Romo’s everyone-in-the-stadium-can-see-Darrelle-Revis-but-you interception late in the fourth quarter, on the first play of what might have been Dallas’ winning drive.

Romo had played extremely well up until the final quarter, completing 18 of his 24 passes for two TDs and no picks, but the turnover put the J-E-T-S in prime position to win the game.

Comparatively speaking, when given the responsibility to hold onto the football and not fuck up, New York’s Mark Sanchez made the somewhat surprising choice to not suck.


Carles of Grantland wrote a fascinating article about Tony Romo here, where he makes the argument that Tony Romo is the quintessential Texas High School quarterback with an “aw, shucks” attitude and down-home charm who knows how to shine in big spots.

Except, that doesn’t work in the NFL.

Sanchez, meanwhile, has played six career playoff games, all on the road, and is 4-2 in those games; the losses were in the two consecutive AFC title games he started in his first two seasons in the NFL.

Sanchez seems to exude awesomeness from his movie-star face in big games or under extreme pressure. Romo chooses to suck.

Answer: Sanchez will win a Super Bowl before Romo even appears in one.

Well, that about wraps it up for the first edition of Yet To Be Named Weekly Football Column…love it? Hate it? Let us know in the comments below, and be sure to subscribe.


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